|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| "You're soulmate is going to see you and not even want you. He's going to choose someone else."
i haven't even met him yet and i'm already given words of rejection! haha but it was actually really motivational for keeping my eating habits and workout habits in check.
| | |
| Give me Light-heartedness, for Deep I will dive but Heavy weighs like gold.
-written after I read a really sad manga | | |
| It is amazing to me how susceptible I am to doubt and it's something God has been trying to reveal to me. It's a weak point would have perpetrated a long cycle of digression, if continued.
It happens in such slight things and slight feelings. Questions arise, ones that should not be entertained. Even if it does not reach the point of gossip, it's workings are enough to hammer in that one tiny needle of weakness into my system. And the actions Doubt creates have undermining effects. It causes us to create space, whether in the form of getting up and leaving (separation)... or staying where we are when people are in need of us (apathy).
When I think about it like this, that I am weak to doubt, I see more concretely where I need to go. And again what God has saved me from.
What do I mean when I say I am weak to doubt? That I am susceptible to skepticism and would faster believe an ill about something/someone than trust and defend blindly. It's almost as if, because of my experience with the world and my past pains, that I are almost looking for a fault in something. Before I would believe it just like that. Now that I am aware, I have to actually work to not believe these doubts. Am I that scared? Or is it to prevent me from being open and vulnerable? So that I can say "Ah-ha! I knew it!" and can justifiably back off...? Whatever it is, I do not like this about myself at all. And in the end, the workings of Doubt are harmful, not only to myself but to everyone around me.
In movies and tv-shows, we see this all the time. A love story occurs and all is well, until something is spoken. It could be a purposely placed lie, or a mis-communication. But we see Doubt creep into the characters on the screen. And we watch as Doubt take it's toll. Doubt fuels Confusion that leads to Questions that produces Deductions of Mistrust that leads to Action. And all of a sudden the main heroine leaves her hero and breaks all ties. We scream "no" inside and find ourselves saying "man just talk to guy! find out the truth!" urging her to believe. Or are frustrated that she didn't have enough faith in the guy instead of whatever stupid thing occurred. Through twists and turns later everything works out. But that is because it is a movie. In real life, these doubts lead to severed relations, hurts, and unhealthy/immature friendships.
I don't want to be that kind of character. I have another picture of what I do want to be like.
The times in movies or tv-shows where Doubt is not strong enough to even create a dent. The main character has enough Hope, Faith & Belief that Doubt has no power in the story. Those moments in movies touch me. The main character stands up for a friend that they have been told purposely tried to hurt them or other such similar situations...
There is a scene from "Ghost of girlfriends past" that really captures this moment. The main character, Connor, is a ghost and gets to overhear a present conversation that is going on about him. Everyone is dissing him left and right, with fairly good reason. However, his brother, Paul, stands up for him and really just believes and trusts in him saying,
"You guys just don’t know him like I do. You don’t.
You know, that guy practically raised me.
I was 2 when our parents died. Connor was just 7.
At an age when he’s supposed to be a kid, he’s busy taking care of one.
He taught me how to read.
He taught me how to ride a bike.
He beat the crap out of any kid who ever teased me.
You know, he always said, “Paulie, it’s you and me against the world. ”
My point is, I had the opportunity to be a nice kid and Connor didn’t.
Now, I know he seems like a joke to you guys…
…and trust me, you all have fair points, but that guy is the only family I’ve got.
And if there’s one thing family does…
…it is believe, against all odds, in the best of each other.
I love him.
And as long as I live, I’ll believe he can change, because he’s…
He’s my big brother."
Beyond a shadow of a doubt, beyond incriminating evidence and other people's opinions... Doubt doesn't' stand a chance here. This Trust reaps good fruit and adds...a kind of quality.
Is it his strength against Doubt, or is it his great love for his brother? It makes me wonder if my love for others or for the world is too small, or if my own self love is just too big? (Probably a combination of both).
Or how about in Invictus? Nelson Mandela believes in, quite frankly a miracle, from people who unjustly enslaved him. If he didn't believe in the sport, in the people...then he wouldn't have saved the "Springboks" or worked so damn hard or gave a large part of his salary away. But he did...because he believed and it affected a whole nation (not to mention the freaking WORLD cup!).
To have unyielding faith like that... so admirable. It leaves one vulnerable... open to be let down, open to be disappointed. But isn't it always so that when we take a chance, the benefits are that much greater?
You risk $10 on blackjack. If you win, you get another $10. If you lose, well you just lost $10.
If you risk $10,000 on blackjack.. then if you win, you get another $10,000. But if you lose, you lose that $10,000.
So what is the benefit and the winnings of risking disappointment and vulnerability?
I'm not sure of that answer.. but I feel that in the light that these risks are for God, for His ways and His kingdom..that the benefits are endless. And much more than I can ever estimate. Others will benefit, the whole family remains stronger, can better help redeem more lost-brothers-and-sisters..and most of all the benefits it will have on my own life, on who I am, on my walks with my Lord... I know I cannot fathom.
*edit*
I also realize..hahah..that there are so many people in my life..who have not let Doubt come in but have believed in me... they see my mess but believe in my best. Invaluable. I love my family and for as long as I live...I'll believe.
| | |
| "Where are you" --Natalie and Justin Roman
"I'm staring out at the sky
Praying that he will walk in my life
Where is the man of my dreams
I'll wait forever, how silly it seems
How does he laugh? How does he cry? What's the color of his eyes?
Does he even realize I'm here?
Where is he? Where is this beautiful guy?
Who is he? Who's gonna take me so high?
dadadadadada dadadada dadadadadada~"
Most days I'm really happy being single, and even when I do think of my soulmate, I'm still happy. I fully enjoy my freedom and this single life. I don't want a relationship. Too much work, too much effort, too much can go wrong. And I'm just too damn busy... there's always things to do... I don't have time...
But there are those times where I wonder where the hell my soulmate is. Cause I really think he's someone I haven't met yet. So I'm just wondering, when and how I'll finally meet him. And it's not surprising to be eager to meet someone you're going to love so much...is it?
I had a dream last night that I met him. I don't know who he was... I don't recognize the face I dreamt about... all I remember was saying that age didn't matter with him, cause in my dream he was younger than me. Which is weird and highly unlikely in real life because I told myself I would not date someone younger than me. I shudder from past bad experiences...
In any case though, it was really nice to dream about love....you can't control your dreams, so whatever dreams come are like gifts... movies only for mine eyes, so much the better and luckier when they are of good fortune.
| | |
| "You build me up,
You break me down.
My heart, it pounds.
Yeah, you got me.
With my hands up,
You got me now.
You got that sound.
Yeah, you got me." --tik tok, by ke$ha
Either you've crawled into places I can't even see, too late for me to remove the places you've touched, otherwise there's nothing at all.
| | |
|
